i would choose to die in your arms, rather than living without you.

My dearest,
life would be a disaster without you.
How i wish time could stop now.
Don't bring me til the day.
I don't know what to say more; no words can describe how much i love you..




and my dearest bee, pls remember,
you always stand a greater portion.
we thought of you everyday.

whattheF

Dear Mommy,
I am in Heaven now...I so wanted to be your little girl. I don't quite understand what has
happened.
I was so excited when I began realizing my
existance. I was in a dark, yet comfortable
place.
I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far
along in my developing, yet not near ready to
leave my surroundings. I spent most of my
time thinking or sleeping. Even from my
earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me.

Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried
with you.
Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I
heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and
hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much.

One day you cried almost all of the day. I
hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were
so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing
happened. A very mean Monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me.
Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was
screaming and screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, help me
please! Mommy, help me." Complete terror is
all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I
thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster
started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the
pain i can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as
it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such
complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never
see your face or hear you say how much you love
me.

I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had
so many plans to make you happy. Now I
couldn't, all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all.

I wanted more than anything to be your
daughter.
No use now, for I was dying a painful
death. I could only imagine the terrible things
that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand. And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.

The angel took me away to a wonderful
place. Then I was happy. I asked the angel what was the thing was that killed me. He
answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is, I guess that's the name of the monster.

I'm writing to say that I love you and to
tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful.

It sucked my arms and legs off and finally
got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just
wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die.
Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion
monster.

Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to
go through the kind of pain I did. Please be
careful.

Love,
Your Baby Girl.

fuck.

lotsa stuffs.

okay... where shall i start?

did quite alot of things but i forgot the sequence. laughs.
anyway, i was over at joan's house for like the past 1 week,
went home and came out repeatedly. mom is getting used to it lol.
okay lets start with, me and dearest went to bugis V8 movie cafe and have our dinner,
i don have much appetite so i ordered a light one, but it sucks -.-, but dearest said his was sup. well, he likes it can le . (:
appetizer .
dearest half eaten sirloin steak (:
dearest: hmmmm.
my omelette.
me: tasteless~
dearest made me angry by snatching my phone.lol.
went over to edwin's place for elephant with dearest, joan, zy and dom.
nearly died at around 5plus, and they still got the mood to play truth or dare from winwin's iphone. but that night was filled with laughter thou.
went to send zy to airport. keep going hot and cold hot and colddddddddd.
did i mention i really like the feeling of the 2 crazy couples date. hahas.
if only beee can join us. hmmm..

at westmall, haha. dearest with zy, act like only

we'll miss you zy! and joanna is gonna super miss you! hahas.
back to joan's house, concussion. lol
woke up and bee came to find us.

my bee <3 joanna <3

nice? (:

slacked till 6plus, accompany joan to cck buy hicard for zy,
tancheepek! joan ran around just for you, better treat her good!
me too! must treat me good too alright sister! lol.
slept, woke up, den went to cut hair, dearest too.
he like his hair now hoho.
then, back "home" and cu! lols. bee came to find us again.
=p
after that i forgot what happened lol.
dearest keep pestering about marrying him.
well. we'll see ya. lol
he's gonna do something dangerous, i'm worry....
but he say before, he wants me to support whatever he is doing...
i hope i'm doing the right thing.



hell or heaven, i'm with you.

i cant help to laugh at this pic.

Mr tan chee pek.
-
well, was over at 2nd home,
for e past 3 days.
did nothing much.
boreddd.
im missing you already.


i love you too

excited

am at my 2nd home aka joan's hse
lols. waiting for zy and dear to be back,
while nana herself went to NaNa to celebrate her frens birthday.
miss you!

lotsa events

well, didnt went home for the past 1 week for sleep, became joan's tenant. laughs.

at jp, donno when was it.
celebrated yanming's birthday at chevron,
had fun with sis and bros,
Happy birthday yanming! hope you enjoyed what we planned (:

anddd after that was joan's birthday!
alot of photos la, but lazy.
joan's chalet was at sentosa,
well, as expected cakes smashed and stuffs.
but most unexpected thing was... there's a pool beside the bbq pit and
i donno why.... MR Tan CHEEPEK pushed me down the pool.
Thanks huh!
and i was thinking how i can be wet when my bee is not right? (:
so.... hehe. *wink* but she was pulling my hair when we push her down, i nearly drowned.
boo.
but in the end me and my bee successfully throwing zy down to the pool.
with his gucci belt! hahahaha.

Happy 21st birthday my dear!
2 days after that, while dear went out to meet his friends,
went to watch ...

with my beee, joan and zy,
didnt understand at the beginning but when the tsunami came,
me and bee's tsunami came too.
laughs, its so funny when i took out the tissue,
1 for her and 1 for me..
welllll. its touching la.

stayed at joan's house after that meet kelly and fiona.
so... dont really remember much things that happened. laughs.
--
dear, i know everything you do, you did for me.
but...give me some time alright?
please... realise my effort would you?

4 more days... i couldn't wait.

On sat, went town with ed, dom, zy and joan to look for bee and berlin.
Window-shopped awhile then left for NaNa to celebrate joan's fren,
cuiyun's birthday without bee and berlin.
we dont really quite know her thou. just to accompany joan. but still...
Happy birthday cuiyun! what a pretty and sweet lady she is (:
open martell duh.
a lil incident happened but well... lucky nothing serious happen.
thanks for that table infront of joan. HAHA!
but i have to say... tancheepek is a really good temper guy!
left at around 3plus am.
went joan's house after that.
woke up at 3plus pm.
ate "breakfast" and went to watch 2 movies at jurong point with joan, zy, calvin and germaine!

first was.....
Darah.

look at her face, dig her eyes out for me please.
well. its super bloody and gruesome.
but not really that nice thou.
followed by....
Sorority Row . beee came to join us.

hmmm. not bad.
beware of your "sister's" boyfriend ya.
lol.
its so not me to watch such movies.
2 times in a row somemore!
im feeling abit insomnia now.
shit. stupid zy!





just 4 more days, i don't wanna be alone anymore.

new look

just changed my skin.
spent quite some time to reorganise it.
how is it? (:






my dad expects me to play com with no lights on.

Trying to keep my blog out of spider webbies. hopefully.

Went to bugis with beee,
accompany her to an interview which need a good command of english.
hahaha.
after that just keep walking around bugis and massive smoking sessions.
just reached home after she went to meet her fatfat.
-
This is real frustrating.
Dad is complaining my usage of computer is resulting the elec bills to be $180+
well, this bill is of SEPT, where i'm working and not home all the time.
When i'm home you say i waste elec, when i'm not home you screw me.
what the fuck you want me to do?!




-Life is real hard, too hard at times for me to be able to handle.
-next friday.

Finally, the day i've been waiting for,
is coming!
So excited, couldn't wait for 16 of oct.
my boy is coming back (:
Been having alot of mahjong sessions.
clubbings, chalets, sleepover and stuffs.
hehh. lots of pictures wanted to upload but lazy.
so here's some first!

Party at Neverland with my girls and boys.

Celebrated bee's birthday at ecp chalet.
super big cake but never get to eat,
all smashed on faces. including me! boo.

what's with me man.

what's with me man.

Woo! hello everyone! say byebye to long-hair me!
lol.
Went to Mono bar with colleagues ytd. after dat powerhouse.
well, kinda fun. hee.
pictures talks.

I'm really tired of being all alone!!!
No one is there to ask me out,
im always the one asking people out.
Maybe i'm just a burden afterall.
Stressful at work.
Nothing gives me a motive to continue living.
Wake up, work, go home, sleep.
hella like life.
lappy is the only companion.
i don't know what's going on.
Give me a break.

Well, today morning i was listening to 88.3fm,
and they are actually introducing a book name "You're very rich; You just don't know it yet."
hmm, its writing bout they did a survey or something like that,
trying to tell people, if you're healthy you actually have 550k pounds.
and having a lover who tell you i love you means 450k pounds.
so on and so forth.
what it means?
They are trying to tell people out there,
some things you own worth alot of money,
which the wealthy might not have.
So, treasure what ever you have.
My dear friends,
be glad that you have the "friends" around you.
Don't quarrel about things which are so insignificant to kill an ant.
well, ant don't even kill each other cause of that,
so why must we?
Take something which Carina Lau always say,
Face it, Solve it, Put down, and Forget.
面对，解决，放下 然后 忘记。
If you could live life this way,
it could be much easier, there's no benefits to cling on something, even if its a mistake.
Forgive and forget, Everything would be simpler.







P/S, I really don't wish to see both of you like that,
the happiness in friendship is something couldnt find elsewhere,
but with the right friend.

Bought Samsung Preston in violet colour (:
Totally loving it. <3

好想你
（I miss you）
Hi my one and only,
这么多天没见
可是我总想起你的声音在我耳边
今天心情好吗
是否不愉快
要一切都看得开
世界没有太坏
虽然不在你身边
我的心有一条线
连着你 牵着你
好想你 想到愿意相信
我就闭上了眼睛 你在这里
别忘记 我们的约定
一直都在我心里
不管你在哪里
不要忘了我有多么爱你

不要忘了吃饭 不管有多忙
不要忘了开车时候一定要往前看
其实我真的很快乐
有你一直守侯
一直走到了以后都挽着你的手
虽然不在你身边
但我在你心里面
我愿意 等着你
我好想你 想到不能呼吸
想到全身没力气 没有关系
你别忘记 我们的约定
一直都在我心里
不管你在哪里
不要忘了我有多么爱你
我也一直在这里
别忘了我有多么爱你

omg!
you make me puke la bitch.
hypocrite.
yucks!

zzz cant embed.
go see urself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LniPZTtSHXU
damn cute haha!

Started working!
and oh dam i love this job!
pay high, and job scope is interesting!
wanna know? hhaah.s
tell u la.
Slimming consultant at London Weight Management.
:D OKAY LA, i know im not slim.
THAT'S NOT THE MAIN POINT!
anyone wanna slim down?
anyone wanna join me as colleague?
:D

im having insomnia again..
i donno why it acted up again.
im so tired, but i couldnt sleep.
i don wanna wake up in heartache, realising that it was jus a dream.
it hurts so bad....


i need no one, but you.

Sunday is always the disaster day for me.
it's my dad's off day, and its a sure thing that he will get kwaytiao for breakfast for me,
hmm its been this dish for about 4months, every sunday.
and previously was chicken rice every sunday for 6months.
this is my dad, his mind will be locked for a few months before he realise that.
then after that mom would be quarreling with dad why does he go to e market so long,
go chee hong is it. you cant imagine. its happens for every sunday,
jus like how things come alive every night at the museum.
then, lil nephew would snatch tv from my dad, and they start scolding each other.
it stays like that all the way till night.
horrible.
"cleaned" up my links jus now, and added some new links.
boring!!!
i wan job!!!
i wan tio toto and 4d!!!
..............
but i don buy. -.-
boring.

btw, went to watch Night At The Museum 2 with angie and joanna. hahas.
so funny.
but i still thinks e 1st one is better.
donno why like series movies always ended up 1st part is the nicest?
probably cos the first one would be so nice so people watch 2nd part... and expected too much?
humans are never contented =p
but got one part is really funny laaaaaaa.
"And i have CAME BAC.... nevermind jus pass me the tablet."
LOL. don understand? go watch!
Rating: 8.5/10

okay well, recently i've finally straighten out my thoughts.
Telling myself, "you aren't going to sleep with ur mom for e future 6 months.... aren't you?"
"You should face your fear and not avoiding it. Face the fact! your boy is not going to sleep beside you for 6months!"
"And heck it! THERE'S NO GHOST IN THIS WORLD!"
so this 2 days i've been sleeping alone.
i felt like this is a very big achievement.
pls give me some compliments.
It's been a long time since i've done that.
Can you feel how proud am i?
laughs out loud.
anyway, these 2 days i've been dreaming of dear,
released and everything.
Went to the usual party and i got caught dont know becos of what!
Scenario is like,
the police say "but ur friends said that u did that!"
me: "if i were to say i saw u killing someone ytd, is that valid?" and i was thinking oh ya you can say you have witness proving you were at somewhere else. im dead this time.
police ponders* and say: "okay fine i'll let you go"
probably in my subconscious police are ****? i donno. lol.
sent like 76178936 resumes?
pleaseeeee i need a job!
i need money!




You're not alone, neither am i, cause our heart beats as one.

im so disappointed.
in which a friend, once so close.
its not becos that you rejected it, its not the first time anyway,
but did i say anything at that moment?
afterall, its not an obligation to help me, i know that.
i expect to be rejected.
but never did i expect that you would totally ignore me.
what is this?
im not angry...
but disappointed.
and i repeat, not becos u rejected, but becos you IGNORED.
so disheartening.
the years spent building that friendship has just gone to waste.

What will be remembered is not the words of enemies, but the silence of friends.

I miss how you would fuss over getting up earlier than you in e morning.
and not continuing to lie next to you.
I miss how you ask me to cook for you, when my condition is piggy back me to e kitchen.
I miss how you would automatically stay by my side when i cook,
and scolding me for eating too much.
I miss your reaction when i switch to a channel showing horror movies.
I miss how we always snatch our turns to play games,
and how we gave stupid reasons that why we should be the one.
I miss how you are always reaching out for my hand outside,
and strangling me if i deliberately tries to avoid it.
I miss how you scold me for being so careless.
I miss how you always get angry when your frens teasing you and i dont side you.
I miss the attitudes you would give, when i didnt mention to meet.
I miss how you would say " you look tired" when you're the one who is tired.
I miss how we would always talk about everything, anything.
I miss how you would always put your hands under my head,
hugging, and patting me to sleep.
I miss how you would kiss me goodnight without fail.

Too much thoughts, too little words.
im gonna miss all these for 6months,
i showed that im gonna be so fine.
but no.
everyday when i wake up, i wished everything was just a dream.
every night when i sleep, i hope that i wouldnt wake up.
but i cant?
im gonna stay strong till ure out.
numbing myself with all the memories every moment,
but whatever it is, it still hurts.
291105,190409

no matter how i disappoint her, she still dote on me.

i feel so useless to disappoint her all e time.

and yes, i love my mom.